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. . . much has changed but not in the ways that you'd expect

i'm still a wreck, for all the same reasons, and intensified !

i'm a verrrry confusing creature.

i broke every promise  made to myself, and then some. score, kasey, way to go.

oh well. i finally made a commitment to myself today to make myself happy. one of the best friends i've ever had told me i need to get better. i need to change. and i think i will.

i'm on higher doses of medicine now. there's so much pumping through my veins. someone could get their daily dose of happiness just my kissing me. i swear my saliva has that potency now

what else ? four months ? hmmm

got my permit
had the best beginning of a month ever
made new friends
lost bad friends



etc etc etc

and you know how i used to hate sleep ? and i would refuse to ? now it's all i want to do. when i sleep i don't have to worry about thinking. i don't need to deal with anything. basically, a self induced coma.

so things get better, and things get worse, and i'm still living so life goes on

"all because of you, i believe in angels.
not the kind with wings, no, not the kind with halos
the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strangeplace
i'll follow your voice all you have to do is
SHOUT IT OUT"


deeply apathetic and the only thing i care about is you. hmm. keep me alive

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Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: angeles - elliott smith

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This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.
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place your hand in mine, i'll leave when i wanna



it's crazy that i'm like this. i need to clear my mind and stop thinking and i need someone to save me. seriously. i'm sitting here in the dark with bright eyes, a cup of tea, and my shaking hands.

it's crazy that i care. i shouldn't, i mean nothing to you,.


. . . but i'm happy.

i just realized that it TOTALLY DOESN'T MATTER. i will live without you.  and i do not need you. and there are other, less shallow people out there.



:)

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Current Location: my fucked up thoughts
Current Music: feeling this - blink-182

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i wish it wasn't like this,
my mood always being so sad exactly when i should be happy

if you read this and you care PLEASE LET ME KNOW

i need to know
please ?


god i'm so crazy
do you mind though ?
i hope not



society fails me as a whole, i'm sorry
and i fail it too i guess because i can't blend in


and with my vision everything blurs together so you'd think it be easy
but it makes me so different



help me

Current Location: in your head ?
Current Music: road to joy - bright eyes

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just to meet me in the morning ?

i don't have much to say because i'm not as crazy as i normally am at night right now


i have really fucked up dreams and i don't know if it's the medicine or the infatuation. that sounded lame, but the wording was . . . accurate.


my sisters sleeping above me and i'm going to slaughter her when she's up her phone keeps ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing and gosh.


trying to listen to bright eyes, doesn't she know ?

 

 

 

i neeeed a change
 

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Current Music: first day of my life - bright eyes

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that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images . . .

i don't know why i'm doing this i don't know what i have to prove or who i have to prove it to. actually, that's a lie, i'm sitting here hoping that you'll read this which is fucked up and pathetic but you make it so easy. i can't help myself.

my head hurts like hell but not in the physical way, i think. more like the i'm-so-drained-i-never-want-to-think-again type way.
 
it hurts to know that if i was skinny or pretty that maybe you'd like me. you say these things to me that make me feel like maybe you actually care, but are you getting past the physical things ? i'm so sorry i'm not beautiful. i would do anything to be someone you'd be proud to have as yours. i am so lame sometimes i scare myself. i scare myself alot.

i wish i could just change who i am. if i wasn't kasey, if i wasn't the girl who will become your closest friend but never anything more, i feel like this would all be different.

kasey kasey kasey. i love when you say my name, do you know that ? this is so creepy, this entire thing. i'm sure you know that this is about you and are sitting creeped out completely. but i'm not trying to be. and you already know how creepy i am.

and our names are similar, did you ever notice ? i did. they have the same ending sounds. i don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. 
 
i really, really, hope you read this.

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Current Mood: numb numb
Current Music: such great heights - the postal service

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makes you laugh a little slower.




i'm so lost in the world right now i don't know what to feel or do.  it's around midnight which means my inquisitive mind will be taking over soon and all i'll be able to do is think and think about everything and anything

i don't like thanksgiving. i don't like the cold. i don't like winter. i don't like christmas. i'm not a grinch or anything, this is just the way i've always been.

i'm still wearing flipflops i do not care how cold it gets.

right now i'm screaming 3OH!3 because it's pretty relatable when it all comes down to it

"so tell me baby, pretty baby, that this house is not a graveyard.
tell me how to stay strong and carry you home
over corpses of her long lost fathers and her unborn daughters
'cause god damn it,
i can't do it alone."
 

i wonder if he'll read this. i wonder if he'll know that he's the reason for this mess that used to be me. i can never really be happy when i write my journals, it's always so real. i also wonder if anyone is reading this thinking that i'm some crazy psycho bitch. i am a crazy psycho bitch. this seems so shallow but i know i'm not a shallow person.

i hate sleep. i can't stand it. because at these moments late at night when there's no one around, this is when i discover almost everything about myself. and then i fall asleep and i have nothing except for the fucked up dreams and then i wake up and i just wasted time sleeping when i could've been alive. because being asleep is like being dead. you're useless. totally and completely unable to control your thoughts. it's dangerous.

do i even make sense when i start rambling like this ? probably not. and now i should probably stop before i start answering my own questions some more

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Current Mood: awake
Current Music: i can't do it alone - 3OH!3

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